Life has a funny way...

So...yes, I'm feeling adjusted. I feel like I have a place here again, and I don't quite feel like the outsider I felt like when I first got back.

However, I still get these horrible pangs of sadness when I think about my friends overseas. Arin texted me a few minutes ago because she just got back into the states and said the Albs all love and miss us...and GOD I never expected such a happy text message to make me feel so miserable. Just when you think you have control over your emotions and have finally gotten a grip, you're reminded of the things that you don't and can't have and it's a slap in the face.

I love that she got to go see Vladi and I can't wait to hear about the amazing time she had, but at the same time, it makes me so envious to know that she got to see all of them and speak with them and touch them and dance with them...and even though it was only for a few days...I'd give anything to spend one day with all of them again. And I've said it before, but it's a feeling of uncontrollable sadness...and it comes from so far deep down inside my stomach that it makes my entire body hurt. Yeah, it sounds dramatic, but that's the best way I can describe it. And it isn't that my friends here don't make me happy...nothing could be further from the truth, actually...but it's the idea that I know these fantastic people and they're SO far away that it's hard to remind myself that they still even exist.

Ugh. Wow, I feel like I won't be happy for the rest of the day because all I want to do is call Andy and hear his fantastic accent as he struggles to find the english words to tell me "not to be sad for Athens"...God I sound pathetic and probably absolutely ridiculous...but whatever, I guess.



God I fucking hate Spanish. My heart hurts.

Well, at this very moment, I feel absolutely miserable. Probably not what you wanted to hear for my first journal entry since I've been here. I've been here for almost a week, and all I want to do right now is come home. I probably shouldn't be writing right now because it's going to make everyone think I'm having a horrible time, which I'm not for the most part, but I'm thick in culture-shock, lonely mode and I haven't been able to shake it.

I'm so incredibly lonely right now, and I feel like there is a huge void in my stomach. I'm nausious, I don't want to eat, I try to sleep and all I can think about is how sad and lonely I am. I miss having friends...everyone said I'd make friends really quickly and we'd all get to know eachother, yeah I've met people, but I feel like everyone else has made close connections with people and I'm still the awkward girl on the outside looking in. I miss hugs SO much. I miss my house, I miss my mom I miss all my friends, I miss Mike and when I think about how much longer I'm going to go without seeing any of them, I feel like I'm either going to pass out, cry hysterically, or throw up.

Yeah, Greece is pretty amazing. The city is huge, nothing is in english, the ruins are beautiful and so is the landscape (outside the city...the city itself is pretty dirty). I didn't expect the city to be so huge and confusing...and I didn't expect the language barrier to be such an enormous obstacle. We went to the island of Aegina yesterday for a field trip, and it was absolutely gorgeous. The water is a bright, clear blue and the weather was sunny and warm. Today it's rainy and cold and I'm back in the city at an internet cafe. My apartment is cute, it's on the 5th floor and the balcony looks out over one of the busier squares in my neighborhood. I don't really know my roommates very well yet...they're not exactly the kind of girls I would generally hang out with, and I feel like they're getting really close and I'm just on the outside. I've been hanging out a lot with Carly and Jordan and Carly's roommates Meggan and Jenny. They're really sweet, I'm just really bitter and jealous that they all get along so well, and have this amazing marble apartment and I'm stuck with roommates I don't talk to.

I know I said it before, but I miss having friends and being with my friends SO fucking much. It's so hard to not feel like you can be yourself, or talk honestly with anyone because you don't know them very well yet. The only thing I want to do is lay in my bed and cry...which is what I did for about an hour last night before I called Jordan and met up with the girls. I just wish....more than anything in the world...that someone...ANYONE I'm friends with from Eugene...could be here with me right now. I feel like this sadness is hindering me from being able to actually appreciate the culture and the country. All I can think about is how I don't think anyone here likes me, and how badly I wish I could see my mom right now.

I know you probably want to hear more about Greece....but this is seriously all I've been able to think about. When they said culture shock, they fucking meant it.

I'm also really bitter because there's a few girls who came on this trip together...like two friends would apply together and they're living together and they're having this wonderful, relaxing vacation together and here I am, sitting by myself in this goddamn internet cafe just wishing and hoping that my phone will ring and it will be my mom or mike or keir telling me that they're outside and they want to go get a bite to eat.

I'M SO FUCKING UNHAPPY RIGHT NOW. I'm sorry...I know this is depressing and dramatic, and this is why I chose to write it in my livejournal as opposed to a group email...I have to be able to express myself SOMEWHERE...if not in this goddamn country, over the internet, I suppose.

I just really want to go home. I want my bed and my dog. I want a bowl of cereal or a grilled cheese sandwich. I can't believe I have 9 more weeks to be here.

Not everyday has been like this...I go through phases. Yesterday during the day I was pretty happy...and the day before that I was okay...but last night and today I've just felt like all I want to do is hop on the next flight home. I just wish I was one of those people who can come into a room and instantly become friends with everyone I introduce myself to. I can't do that. At all.

I don't know what to do. I honestly don't know what, if anything, can make this feeling go away. I tried watching tv, I tried walking around the city, I'm trying to internet...and none of it is working. This is one of the worst feelings I think I've ever felt...absolute seclusion and lonliness.

I'm sorry friends, I'm really sorry this is so depressing and long and I haven't hardly said anything about Greece...but I can't. I'll write a group email or something and I'll try to make it sound more cheerful.

I love you all, and if you can email me or message me on myspace or something, just to say hi and remind me that I have friends somewhere in the world...I would greatly appreciate it.

See ya.

So, I guess I just finished writing my 4-7 page history 351 paper that I started this evening. I ended up making it to 6 1/2 pages, and i could've gone longer, but I didn't want to. I'm not sure if any of it makes any sense, but i think I'm going to try to pass out for a few hours and get up tomorrow and edit. I'm pretty sure that I talked about two completely different subjects, but I did my best to somehow make them related...even though they're not. We'll see how this plays out...

I'm sure you don't care, but no one is awake and I had to have some sort of triumphant "holy crap I didn't think i was ever going to finish that paper but I fucking did and I actually get to sleep for like three hours" moment. So, I guess that was it. HAHA, I have to do this all over again tomorrow. SWEET.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS GODFORSAKEN TERM to be overwith.

(Special thanks to Crotch for putting up with all my cynicism. You're amazing.)

Good night/morning.

Do you ever have those days where you feel especially...human? One of those days where nothing particularly bad happens, you're just incredibly in touch with everything happening around you and what's going on in your life kind of turns into a reality.

Today on my break between classes I sat in the EMU and wrote my 2-weeks notice to Outback. After that, I went outside and mailed my final study abroad payment. To my surprise, instead of being excited and relieved, I sat through my spanish class holding back tears. I'm sure it has something to do with the boy. And I know Outback and the management put me through hell and back, but there are good times. Some really good times...hell, I get to see most of my very best friends simply by showing up for work. I know it's the right thing (obviously, I already have the plane tickets, and as of today it's all paid for...), it's just all kind of put into perspective now. It feels real. Almost...

I'm scared that when I get back, everything will be different. I'm scared that I won't have any friends anymore if him and I break up. I'm scared that I'll get a job and realize that I hate it more than Outback. I'm scared that if him and I break up I'll get back and he'll have some gorgeous girlfriend...or he'll be sleeping with someone I know from Outback (though I'm not sure who...). I know I know I know these are all stupid things to be thinking. I absolutely know, but I can't help it. Mostly...I think I'm just scared that everyone and everything will be different when I get back. I mean, I guess change is what I want and that's why I'm leaving, and it's really only for 10 weeks, a term....I know I'm probably being ridiculous, I'm just going to miss everyone so much.

I'm sure a lot of this has to do with the boy. I just wish I knew what was going on. I wish he would talk to me. I wish we could have a normal, honest conversation. I feel like that shouldn't be so much to ask for...but it's like there's all these emotions and neither of us really knows what to do with them. I wish you could either care about a person, or just be completely content without them. None of this back and fourth, I hate you I love you bullshit. I feel like my heart hurts. I wish I was stronger.

GOD I miss my mom...

I guess I'll go with the next best thing and meet my favorite girls in the library. They always know how to make me smile.

I'm sorry if this is depressing...I didn't mean for it to start that way...it just kind of happened.

fuck boys. and dads.

i'm going to vegas to be with the boys I trust (my brothers) and my amazing family. Hopefully my drunken stupor will wash away these sorrows of mine.

WHAT DO YOU DO AT 3: IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU HAVE 2 3/4 PAGES DONE OF YOU 3-PAGE ENGLISH PAPER?

a) change your thesis statement so that you don't have to write another entire page which totally (hopefully) makes it all come together but you're not really sure because you're just writing out of your ass
b) write a quick introduction and conclusion which basically say the same thing but with different fancy words
c) think of a quick and snappy title
d) write a journal entry about it all
e) decide to wake up an hour or two early tomorrow so you can hopefully read over it clearly
f) ALL OF THE ABOVE





Now, I know there are a lot of options, but I have faith and I think you can come up with the right answer.



Your grades will be posted on blackboard by next week. Thanks for playing!

fuck, man.

...fuck.

Do you ever wish you could just wash away all your insecurities and see yourself the way everyone else sees you? Or maybe, just the way that those who admire you, see you? That zit on the right side of your forehead...that burn scab on your middle finger...that "roll of fat" on the side of your stomach that no one can actually see unless you're sitting in a certain way, a way that you probably never sit?

You know what I want?

I want to go backpacking. Backpacking in the middle of nowhere, in the mountains, away from garbage, away from makeup, soap, pictures of those who are "more beautiful" than you plastered on every surface, away from guilt, jealousy, tension, paranoia, and stress. Or maybe all those emotions still will exist, but definately in a different way. I feel like certain things overcome my thoughts lately, and they generally aren't very positive ideas.

I feel as though I've lost myself.

I had a dream that I went crazy last night. Like, literally crazy, and I knew I was crazy. I was in a room, and I was looking for some flowers, and all the sudden I turned around and there were two vases filled with gorgeous flowers. When I went to touch them and find out where they were from, another person in the room (who also mysteriously appeared) asked me what I was looking at and told me there was nothing on the table. They were red in a black vases. I held a conversation with this person, even though I was frightened of him...until eventually a real person walked in the room (I think it was Mike's mom) and asked me who I was talking to. At that point (in my dream), I knew I'd lost it, and woke up.

It was somewhat tragic. How quickly you can lose it, you know?

I have to get ready for work now...

I sure wish this scab on my middle finger would go away.

fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.........................

FUCK THIS.

mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

I'M SO NOT MOTIVATED TO DO ANYTHING.


I should read. I should clean. I should do SOMETHING besides sit in my bed and look at the wall and wait for it to be time to go to work.

I feel tired, even though I slept a lot.
I feel sad, even though there's nothing to be sad about.
I feel bored, even though there's plenty for me to be doing.
I feel mad that I've been invited to do so many things this weekend and I have to stay here (it's my own fault and I'll be making money and I'm sure I'll find something fun to do so it's fine)...but I'm still dissapointed.

I feel.....nothing. I feel like watching a movie or sleeping.
I always just want to be in his arms. Warm and safe. Not that I can't be...not that he's gone anywhere...it's just the comfort that I want right now.

I've been SO lazy this week. Wasting time that in the end I will wish I could have back. I need need need NEED to do homework this weekend.

I like how I'm saying that to you, when I'm the only one who needs to be hearing it.


Ugh. Maybe I want a cigarette.

Probably not though.

I have decided that Mondays and Tuesdays are good days.

Things don't generally go wrong on these days. I enjoy these days.

As the week progresses, so does my stress and I think that's why by the time I get to Saturday and Sunday I want to run away screaming.

I just realized that this Saturday night I will be completely home alone. This might be the case on Sunday as well.
I think that makes me a little bit sad, but hopefully I will use it to my advantage and be productive. We'll see.

I suppose I am just celebrating my memorial day weekend a bit early by going to the beach tomorrow. I can't wait to see my grandparents...I feel like it's been forever and I love them SO much.

This is a boring entry but I'm putting off reading.

I'm beginning to hate this journal.

...I don't hate writing, but when I read past entries I really don't enjoy what I read.

So...uh...what am I going to major in?
I've been kind of thinking about that a lot lately...I guess it's kind of an...important question?

Hmmm...I'm going to go look up majors.

Happy trails.

What a slump we're all in...


I keep trying to tell myself its okay. You have to push yourself through the bad times if you expect to have good times and if you want success you can't just expect to have it land at your feet. Life is an adventure, and advetures are never just fun, or just scary, or just exciting, or just boring, or in any way predictible.

I forget to appreciate how fourtinate I am and I forget to have patience with those around me. I grow angry with myself when I fail, or cry, or let others down. I'm terrified of what others think of me, and am afraid that my perception of myself is completely wrong.

Am I just tired?
Am I just another stressed out kid?
Am I a genuine person, or am I just what I think others want me to be?
When you're in a bad spot, and everyone around you is too, is it better to come together, or is it an individual issue that you need to overcome yourself?

I suppose these are all rehtorical questions. Yeah well.

One day at a time, I guess.

fuck.this.shit.


i hate school and myself (for skipping so much class)


DAAMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNN IIIIIIITTTTTT....

http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/4601/Close-1.htm


So...if I were in love with Roberta Close (who by the way is really a man...and for this reason I am fascinated and also obsessed with her)...would that make me....gay?

Think about it...

I'm sitting here on my porch watching Mike carry on a conversation with the homeless man that he just gave two corndogs to. He looks SO interested...I have no idea what the guy is talking about, i think it's about the job he used to have, or where he's from. I can't really hear most of what he's saying though...I don't know how Mike's so engaged.

Heh. I guess it's cute.

I DONT WANT TO GO TO WORK. It's so hard to go when everyone else is here and when it's so beautiful outside. I guess I'm happy I'm not the homeless guy though...mowing down on corn dogs and having conversations with random college kids.




Ugh. I'm going to get ready for HELL.

durka durka durka.








psch.

Questions of the day:

1) What should i major in?
2) Am I going to fail history because I've skipped two lectures this week?
3) Why do I feel hungover after only drinking like 5-6 beers?
4) When is Crotch going to be home?
5) I love you (yes, you.)




These are life's questions. Feedback is appreciated.

Oh life...


You're a crazy fucking bastard.


Hahaaa.

Good times.
//////////////////////////////////......



Bye bye++

How do you delete friends from livejournal?

I realized that there is a substantial amount of people with whom I never talk that I'm "friends with" and I don't really want to be "friends" with them anymore.

If you're reading this, you're probably not the one I'm talking about. So just tell me how to delete those other people because i can't figure it out. Okay bye.

PS: Thank you so much Keir. Your online words of wisdom caused me to delete the rest of this entry (which is a good thing because it was filled with "poor me i'm so sad" type things. So thank you. BFF

PPS: Crotch I love you and I'm so glad you live in a house with me because if you didn't I think i would seriously lose my mind. And I'm sorry if I'm a pain in the ass.

PPPS: Everyone: sorry I always write little individual ps's to people. I hope it doesnt make you feel awkward.

When I was little, when I would get a toy I was really exicted about, like a new doll, or a stuffed animal, or a board game or something, I would be so excited that I would sleep with it...so as to get maximum playtime out of it--from when i wake up to when i fall asleep. Now, hahaa, I'm 20 years old and I'm sitting in bed with my laptop.

In a way, it makes me depressed. It makes me feel grown up. Ugh. I wish I could still get excited over something like a doll with pretty hair and lifelike skin with arms that feel like there's "real bones inside!" Heh. that was a great doll. I loved her so much.

God I'm cool. I'm like...the queen of cool. Yeeeeaaahhh.

I'm listening to the beatles and LOVING them.

Welllllll...shit. I should go to bed. I don't have class tomorrow, but I have plans to go see "v for vendetta". I hope it doesn't suck, cause I heard that it did.

Well, that is all for now. i hope you all have a lovely tomorrow.



PS: I'm not actually going to fall asleep with the laptop. I'll set it down first. You get where I was going with that though, right? I hope so. Otherwise you're dumb. Or i'm just high. Either way. heh.

PPS: Um, if your name is Ryan Heidt, i'm mad at you. I expressed the fact that my life in nothing without you in a text message today--put my pride and self control on the line just to express my undying friendship with you, and you failed to even text me back. what does it take ryan?? WHAT DOES IT TAKE??? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME???? I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.





Annnnnnd now, my neck hurts and i'm freaking tired. For realsies, have a good night friends and lovers.